lonely...

gah. i just want to let it all out. cry away my anger and hurt and sorrow and anguish and just....

please. everyone just let me be. i don't want to drag you into this pity party of mine. please, just leave me alone. it's only temporary, hopefully i'll get back up from it.

Why....

I'm crying. I don't even know why. Why are you doing this to me all of a sudden? Just the mere fact that you deleted me off of Facebook and now I'm crying like a weakling? What is wrong with me...

And I refuse to let you make me go through hell all over again.

It's Not All About You and Your Stupid Boyfriend

You know what? The freaking world doesn't revolve around you and your stupid boyfriend. I don't honestly don't give a fuck what is going on with you and him. Congrats, you get to see him more than I get to see my best friend. :O What?! He gave you roses?! HOW SWEET. (Cue the awwww) No, I'm not saying this to be nice or mean or whatever you want to call it, and no I'm not calling you out either. But sometimes you need to understand the certain boundaries. I have never been in a a relationship, and while I'm trying to be comfortable without a person in my life, you over here are gushing all about what you guys are going to do this weekend.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT HE'S CHANGING YOU?! You're turning into something you're not. You're becoming something different. YOU NEED TO LOOK WITHIN YOURSELF AND FIGURE IT OUT. No one else can tell you this but yourself because you're the only one who can change you.

Anger Soothes the Wary Soul

Boys are stupid. Drama is overrated. I honestly don't care what you two were up to last night, I don't want to know. Affection kills the soft spot on my heart, I don't want to see it, I don't want to know about it. No, this is not about you. No, I'm not mad at you. Might as well answer the questions before they're asked. Just needed to let some things off my back, you may read one thing and think another. This is one of those things.

By the way, I want that statue. It could help soothe me when times are rough.

"God I want to dream again! Take me where I've never been! I wanna go there, this time I'm not scared! Now I am unbreakable! It's unmistakable! No one can touch me, nothing can stop me!"

(Untitled)

You walk alone on a crowded street,

Everyone's eyes you're afraid to meet.

You feel like they're talking about you and your fear,

Their hushed voices and snarls the only thing you hear.

Once at home, you plug in your headphones,

Trying to shut out their horrendous moans.

These paper thin walls hold nothing in,

And pretty soon your patience is wearing thin.

You slip on your black hoodie and run into the night,

With the full ominous moon your only light.

Through the dark forest is where you will go,

Hiding behind trees and trying to stay low.

Then you see your safe haven there,

And that is where you'll stay, in your homey lair.

Drenched in the loud silence that sets you free,

It's the only thing that saves you from insanity.

Dun Dun Dun...

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

My heroes. Enough said. :)

Beanies Make My Head Feel Warm

Whoo. Just got done starting up my Puff Puff mafia. :) It's hard work being a Puffster.

So there's a new girl in my life: Emily. I don't even know this girl, unfortunately. I've just seen her around school and she's been on my mind since. I really want to get to know her, but I don't know how, seeing as how I don't have any classes with her or even lunch. :/

She's really cute. ^__^ I guess I'm a sucker for blue eyes, especially when they're not paired with blonde hair, haha.

But yeah, I'm trying to come up with a plan to talk to her, but so far it's proving pretty hard. I saw her after school today, and I could've gotten my friend to introduce us, but unfortunately Gabbie's mom was here to pick us up and I barely had a chance to talk. It was raining also, so I suppose I wouldn't have wanted to stay out there long.

Hopefully another opportunity arises in the near future, or I shall be forced to do something drastic, like shave my head. (No not really, but that would be interesting...)

Spanish Project

Spanish is awfully boring, so I'm going to rant.

I'm really excited to watch this movie, "Brothers", that comes out December 4. :D Although it is rated 'R', I'm sure I can find a way to get in. It stars Nat

alie Portman AND Jake Gyllenhaal. (Insert longing sigh here) GAH! I love those two so much and I can't wait to see how this movie turns out. It

seems very emotional and it portray

s the horrors of the aftermath of war, which many people neglect. I personally don't know anybody who is in the military, but I still shelter other's pain on this sensitive topic.

Anyways, I've lost track of what I was going to say, so I'll probably post further updates later. Adios!

Did I mention Natalie Portman is totally hot? :)

Sorry For the Wait

Gosh. It's been a while since I've posted anything new. That would be because my blog layout decided to freak and so I'm going to give it a try and see if it's been fixed.

Okay... well where to start?

Hm. Let's go recent news then.

Okay. My friend and I had a huge fight the other day, and now we're not even talking. I guess our friendship just died. But I have no regrets about it at all, because he wasn't any good for me and I'm better off without him.

Thanksgiving was fun and non eventful, and I think I overdosed on apple pie.

Black Friday was hectic as I ran around the stores grabbing gifts. It was fun though, watching all the crazy shoppers.

That's all that I'm really going to say because I've got a spanish project to do. Bye!

All Hallow's Eve.

Yesterday was Halloween. I spent the night passing put candy, watching a movie, and eating BBQ, though not necessarily in that order.

In other words, it sucked. And was boring. But I had fun. :)

Helping your cousins fill up their masks with fake blood and dressing them up as Care Bears is more fun than it seems. And watching your sister turn from an annoying sibling to a "dead" annoying sibling isn't so bad either. So this year, instead of me goin

g out and getting free candy, I assisted my family members in getting their own candy. And you know what? It didn't feel so bad, and I also learned a great lesson.

Helping others not only benefits them, you also gain from it.

><;

School is definitely taking its toll on me. I'm barely getting enough sleep, and I compensate for this lack by sleeping in class. For instance, I fell asleep in Anatomy during the video and in Euro, after we were done reviewing and were studying amongst ourselves. This is really terrible, seeing as how I'm going to go to sleep at 1:30 AM tonight. And I have my AP Euro test tomorrow! :O

I'm really scared, because even though I've been studying and I get the general gist of everything, I've gotta focus on my treaties and wars and the succession of kings and princes. This gets terribly confusing when there are 10 Henry's and like 20 Fredericks and Louis's and whatever else. I think these monarchs should be a little more original next time...

My New Obsession

I have recently redeveloped an obsession for these adorable little critters called Skelanimals. :)

They're "dead" animals, and they're simply amazing. They even have plushes and clothes, so yeah. I've gotta start saving up.

On another note, I finally found a vest at a really cool consignment shop called Plato's Closet. It was only 5 bucks, and it is in almost brand new condition so I'm super stoked. Watch out classmates, the azn is coming in an awesome vest!

Grimsley Coffeehouse!

My night was amazing. Ahhh, I love school functions that involve "good" music and friends. AND COFFEE. XD

Anyway, the opening act was amazing. EMPTY LOCKET SUPPORT THEM!

Yeah, so what if they're composed of my friends? Alex, Gabbie, and Mayu are one of the greatest non-rock acts out there. So what if today was the first time they've ever performed? The performance was amazing! I love the creative use of cello and piano set to the soft voice of our Japanese hero. :)

This fresh new act has much potential and they will surely become something fierce. "Hey, this review is biased!" you may say. Well then here: I'm going to give constructive criticism so it doesn't seem like all I do is praise them:

1. Maybe Mayu should remember her lyrics. XD

2. The piano part should be louder, or Gabbie's cello part a bit more subtle.

3. Mayu needs to incorporate dance moves! Get the crowd moving! :D (Bunny dance! XD)

4. To be continued...

Well, that's all folks!

Love Is Watching Someone Die

Every time I stare into your crystal blue eyes, I see a warm haven that I just want to crawl into and stay forever. Your soft brown hair embodies all my fears and chases all my demons away. Every time you envelop me in one of your hugs, I no longer feel as fragile and broken. Your kisses provide mixed emotions and hidden meanings that I can decipher instantly. Every time we hold hands and I rest my head on your shoulder, I know exactly where I want to be. Right here beside you, forever and always. Frozen together in time, never moving, never allowing nonexistent time to separate us. When I'm with you, it feels as if the universe revolves around us. It's as if we stand at the center of all knowing, believing everything but seeing nothing but each other.

SocialVibe that ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Yep yep. The end of another dreary weekend has arrived. But this one was different from the rest. How you may ask? Well... today, the 18th of October, a Sunday, these things happened:

1. My texting got renewed. :)

2. I BOUGHT ANOTHER PLAID SHIRT!

3. I bought another pair of skinny jeans!

4. I bought the cutest Hello Kitty shirt!

5. I had homework to do. :P

6. I... went to bed before 12! Or I'm going to...

Yep yep. :D These things make me very happy.

AND! I have one more request before I turn in for the night:

PLEASE JOIN SOCIALVIBE!

YOU GET A COOL PINK BALL!! :D

Thank you, and good night.

NO!

I hate it when people don't get the point and continue to pester you about something they already know the answer to.

THE ANSWER IS NO. NO I WILL NOT GO. NO I CAN'T GO. NO I DON'T WANT TO GO. So please stop bothering me about it. I would've liked to go if I was ALLOWED TO, but I'm not, so therefore I don't.

I LOVE YOU

Video says it all. <3

Love Is the Movement.

How can you love me when I am ugly? Guess I can only hope...

Yeah yeah. I know what is going to ensue because of this, you all are going to tell me this is all a lie and that I really am beautiful. Whatever. Psh. I have a hard time believing myself, what makes you think I can trust you?

Anyways, today has been a very uneventful, boring day. NOT. I was late for school, but my teacher loves me so much that I don't think I was counted late? Um... I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY MATH EXTRA CREDIT!! WOOT W

OOT! Went to the IB meeting, urgh, they altered the requirements so now everything is harder?!??!?! GREAT.

Um.... Ben tried to get me to go to Homecoming for his and Mayu's sake, but I don't know... I'd rather find time to catch up on studying than go stand in t

he corner like some friendless loser. :P And

yeah, I also know this is true, coughGABBIEcough, but you wouldn't be able to drag me out of the dark where no one could see me so HA! MWAHAHAHAH! I'm an evil little azn, tee hee. :)

Anyways, I'm going to get off and actually try to start some of my endless studying.

SCREAMO GIRLS MAKE ME SMILE.

"You're wasting your time while your wasting away."

Hehe. I love A Day to Remember. Screamo bands make me very happy. :)

Anyways, my whole weekend has been very unproductive, considering how I still have a bunch of projects to do. :P

Anyways. I can't believe Grimsley lost. Again. They better win one football game against Page before I graduate, or I will be sorely pissed. XP

But yeah. Tee hee. I'm very hyper for some unknown reason. OH YEAH! I have one request: does anyone know how to put on headbands? Like so:

Yes. It's my favorite

singer agaiin. XD

Page SLUT Day

FRESH MEAT!!!

Today has been a very... interesting day.

Saw a lot of sluts walking around school. Quite a unique opportunity. Everywhere you looked, you could see prostitutes and hoes of all kinds roaming the halls. And that was just the girls. They guys were dressed up as nerds with high-waisted khaki shorts and thick glasses. And did I mention the pocket protectors?

Oh yes. It's that time of year again. Page Prep Day. Or should I take a risk and say Page Slut Day? Because that's certainly what it seemed like. Yes, the very old rivalry between Grimsley and Page has ensued its wrath upon us again. This time, we're supposed to mock the other school by portraying our belief of them. Oh, this wasn't a one sided fight though. Page has it's very own Grimsley Grit Day.

Now I have a simple question: What happened to the days when a school rivalry didn't matter that much and people wouldn't degrade themselves because of it, even if it was only for one day? I was absolutely shocked, but not horrified, at the number of girls who even OWNED that kind of clothing. Innocent looking girls sporting shorts beneath a very revealing men's button up shirt doesn't portray "smart" to me. In fact, it is the very epitome of WHORE. Come on guys. I understand it's Spirit Week, but some things just need to be left for th

e Halloween parties. Or need to stay at home.

What happened to dressing like this?

Above the Norm

"Dare to be above the norm. I dare you."

So I've decided to be different. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to distance myself from the so-called "normal" people at school and start acting like a "freak." I'm curious to see where this will take me and it will throw some fun change into my life. :)

Yeah, this doesn't mean a totally NEW me. I'm just going to throw away all my insecurities and fall in love with my flaws. Focus on myself, and not what anyone else will think of me. It's sophomore year! I have to learn to start living a little. And I've already begun.

Today, I started working on some semi-collages that I put into my personal journal. They truly express what I feel about certain things. (Well, as best as pictures cut out a Seventeen magazine can. XP)

Yep. I am quite enjoying this diversity in my life, and I plan to keep it that way for a while. So don't be shocked. Just learn to live with it.

"Spill Ink Over the Blankness"

Something I was just "doodling" down. Check it out.

Walking through these dreary school halls,

I realize why my life is so lacking.

Wandering around the campus buildings,

I'm regarded as a ghost.

No identity to claim as my own,

Nobody to cling to, to call mine.

SO GIVE ME A SHOT OF ATTENTION!

Let it mingle with the half-awake alcohol of my mind.

Once I arrive home after a meaningless day,

I realize I have a hot date with the Chemistry book tonight.

Forever poring over useless texts and acting as a conjoined twin to my iPod,

I replay fantasies of me and some unknown entity.

Knowing within that my time will soon come, I still feel melancholy.

I want to be loved now, not have to wait till I'm 40 and desperate.

Being alone is a major despair of mine.

And try as I might, everyone else's happiness still looms over mine.

Without the support that I need, without that special one beside me,

I feel incomplete and struggle with a premature depression.

Empty promises hold no meaning to me anymore.

I forget how to smile, and only the sad lyrics embed themselves into my brain.

(*A NOTE: This poem is merely fictional and the result of me listening to sad breakup songs from my iPod. This is not to be taken seriously in ANY WAY. And yes, I know I have friends who will always love me and support me no matter what, and I thank you guys for that. :] Also, events that are going on around me also contributed to this. JUST A FOOTNOTE.*)

I have this immense crush on the girl in the above video.

She is amazing! And superbly hot. Sigh. :)

Yeah, nothing much is going on, except I have a vocab quiz for English, a Latin quiz for Anatomy, and a math test. ALL TOMORROW. I'm going to die. :P And a whole bunch of

chemistry stuff I don't understand.

But whatever. I'm trying to live through it all. Slowly.

Studying With My Wifey!

Today was a good day. Because I got to see my wifey and we got to vent to eachother about... nothing. Haha. I love Olya.

Umm... right now I'm "skype-ing" with my friends Mayu, Ben, and Gabs. And some stuff has just been revealed? Okay.... yeah. This conversation just took a weird turn.

Anyways, I do believe I'm going to start making friendship bracelets again. I still have quite a few friends who don't have one, and I also don't have one, so this will be my project for the next week. :)

Relationships?

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand. ~Emily Kimbrough

This one's gonna be a short one.

Okay. So many of my friends are in relationships, have boy problems, or just got out of a tough relationship. And I'm there for those who are hurt or are having issues, and I'm happy for those who are in a healthy relationship. :)

But... I thought that I should put in a note about myself in this scenario. It may seem selfish of me, but whatever. Okay, so I've never been kissed. WOW! Shocker. Anyway, while everyone else is pursuing a relationship or looking for cute guys, I'm on the other side of that spectrum. I'm NOT looking for a relationship, and I'm NOT looking for a guy to spend my time with. I mean, that would be nice, but it's not a top priority of mine. Which most people understand. But I just thought I needed to put my thoughts out there.

P.S. I think I'm looking for a girl more than a guy at the moment.

Currently Listening To: Looking Up- Paramore

Today has got to be one of the best, and weirdest days, ever. Everything has been going my way, but in a weird way. (If that makes any sense.)

Let's see, it was late start today, so I got to go to the Media Center and hang out with my best friends. :) Then, all my classes were very easy and I'm pretty sure I aced my Latin quiz for Anatomy. Then, at lunch, that guy that I've been blogging about a lot, planted himself right beside me and we actually had a normal conversation! :O

Then, during Chemistry, I decided to write my friend Gabs a note and gave it to her in 6th period. She reread it a lot of times, and after class, she gave me a hug! THIS IS THE UNTHINKABLE! NEVER HAS THIS HAPPENED BEFORE! I was so shocked! I ran down the hall screaming "It's the apocalypse!!!"

And there's even more. My friend Ben told me he loved me? Ben is the most unaffectionate person ever. And I saw him holding hands with his girlfriend, which was so adorable. :) So yeah, today was a very awkward, but happy day. I'm impressed. This has got to be the best day of my life so far. XD

GO LISTEN TO BRAND NEW EYES!!! PARAMORE'S NEWEST ALBUM WHICH WAS RELEASED JUST YESTERDAY!

"I can't believe we almost hung it up! We're just getting started!"

"No one is as lucky as us!"

Back To Blogging

Yeah, I know I haven't blogged in a while. Just been busy with school and such.

Anyways, this weekend has probably been one of the suckier ones. Aside from the fact that I watched two great movies. :)

"Pride and Prejudice" and "The Other Boleyn Girl" are the names of these two films that captured my attention this weekend. (Well, the extra credit for watching and writing a movie review on them was the main catch.) They're really good movies, although I like "Pride and Prejudice" better. Although the latter did have two people beheaded. :D

Umm... I don't want to write a full synopsis on them, mainly because I don't have time and because I'm too lazy. So you can either Google it yourselves or just watch them. Enjoy.

P.S. I love the ending in "Pride and Prejudice." And Kiera Knightley is very, very pretty.

Currently Listening To: Josey- Hey Monday

Fall Out Boy Live In Macau

So I'm on Facebook, and I was just recently looking up some of my old pictures. Let me say, those were surely a blast from the past. WHEW. So many memories, like my trip to HK this past summer and the sleepover at Gab's before that. And late lunch at school with my two besties even prior to that. Man, I look back and I can't help but to smile at all of the fun I've had with all of my friends. It makes me anxious to see what's going to turn up this year though. :) I'm sure it's going to be quite enjoyable.

Anyway, today was an early release day so I didn't get to see most of my friends that I usually see. Which deeply saddens me. :/ But tomorrow's Whirlie Wednesday! So that means I get an extra 30-45 minutes of sleep. Or studying. Depends on how you look at it. I'm hoping I get more sleep, but you never know. Studying is quite beneficial also. But right now I'm going to go scrounge up some junk food to assist me in the ancient art of "cramming for a test." Okay, maybe it's not so ancient. But you never know, the Ancient Egyptian boys could've procrastinated learning some new hieroglyphics and had to cram. You can only wonder...

Awkward Moments....

The book I am currently reading.

So today was an okay day. I was "late" for school, and therefore didn't have time to go to my locker. BUMMER. I figured I didn't need anything so that's why I didn't go after 1st period. WRONG. I needed my English binder, THE ONLY BINDER I LEFT IN MY LOCKER OVER THE WEEKEND, and so I pretty much am turning in my homework late. :P

Aside from that, I had an easy vocab quiz in English and a semi-math test at the end of the day.

Anyway, the "highlight" of my day was pretty much lunch. Haha, yeah right. It was major awkward, as always, because of a certain guy who we won't name for safety's sake. But yeah, so he decides to sit by me of all places. Well, he really didn't have any other choice but still. :P It was major awkward. Oh well...

Anyway, still talking about this guy, I had IM'd him saying that we need to talk but he was offline. So I just logged onto AIM and guess who I have two offline messages from?!?! HIM. After waiting forever to answer, I finally get two measley words that show me a glimmer of hope in my otherwise dreary outcome with him. "I know. :/" These two words and un-smiley thingy made me happy (in a sick, demented sort of way). Because... it showed that he actually wanted to fix things? Or at least he was acknowledging what happened. So at least he's not going to avoid me forever. Which is a good thing. :) But yeah. Idk what I'm going to do about this.... But hopefully everything will go uphill from here. I mean, it can't do anything but get better right?

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

My favorite frontman of All Time Low: Alexander William Gaskarth.

ENJOY. :]

So I've finally decided on a new haircut. I'm tired of my hair being "short", and I want to give it a chance to grow back out. That way I can style it the way I want. :D

Here it is:

What do you think? I'm going to get it to be like that too: "tousled", as Gabs put it. :] I think it looks like "styled bed-head."

Random Highlight of the Day #3

I really really really really want this hoodie. And so therefore I'm going to see if I can get it! :D

Working hard doesn't mean you have a social life.

Today I helped out at the restaurant and pretty much exhausted myself. My legs are sore and I can't type.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY TRUE FRIENDS ANYMORE. From now on, what I do, I do for myself. I see now that you can't really trust anyone. That sometimes your so called friends just use you and manipulate you. I didn't want to become so close to you at first, but as time progressed I figured you were okay. Seems I WAS WRONG. You obviously don't know who you are, and that's good. I want to keep it that way. Think about it. :P

Anyway, I'm going to go to the mall tomorrow to further sophisticate my style. Yes, I said it. No actual clothes shopping will ensue though, as much as I would like. I'm just going to vamp up my accessories wardrobe and possibly buy some more v-neck tees at PacSun. Definitely getting a new hoodie! So yes, I'm super stoked because I finally get to do something rather than being cooped up at the restaurant with no one to hang out with and nothing to do.

I LOVE YOU OLYA AND HOPE YOU COME BACK TO SCHOOL SOON!

Random Highlight of the Day #2

Pierce the Veil. Check them out. :]

Boys and Bands

Currently Playing: New Perspecitve- Panic At the Disco

So today was a very exhausting, boring day.

Woke up late, had to rush to first period, took my Anatomy Latin quiz, took my English test, took notes in Euro, ate a very awkward lunch, and then had a long Chemistry test. Yeah, my life is pretty exciting. In addition to the falling asleep in the car, jamming out to my iPod, and eating fried rice, I think my day was pretty beast. XD

Downloading the free Paramore Tour Preview Pack, go check it out!

http://tour.paramore.net/exclusive

Yeah, if you don't already know, I love Paramore. :D Hayley Williams is one of all time favorite singers, and she's my hero and idol. I love her to death, and the best part is, she doesn't even know it!

But yes. On to the more serious stuff. So there's this guy at my school, that I used to be really close friends with. But I recently had a "falling out" with him. Things happened, and we just kinda fell apart. So now I want to try and patch things up, but I can't seem to find the guts to talk to him. This may seem odd, but you'd understand better if you knew the whole story. Which I'm not going to reveal at the moment.

Anyways, I'm probably going to IM him and see what he says. Any suggestions as to what I should say?

Random Highlight of the Day

Random highlight of the day. :] Enjoy.

Insert Meaningless Title Here

So yeah. First post! Whoo! This marks a turning point in my forever changing life. Where to start...? Hmm... Well how about with the basics?

I'm a pretty normal person on the outside, but the life I lead could be considered anything BUT normal. I have pretty down to earth friends, and the ones that aren't, well let's just say that they aren't always "up there" naturally. XD

Umm... I live in a relatively "small" town, and with every small town comes a boring lifestyle. Yep, my weekends consist of me helping out my parents or hanging out with friends in the shopping center by my school.

My hope for this blog is for it to achieve great heights and then be read worldwide and blah blah blah. No, none of that applies to this. I just want people to read it and be able to stalk me from afar. Haha, yeah. So have fun finding out what other boring things I'll reveal on here.